"Your ideas intrigue me and I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter."

"It's funny because it's true."

"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."

"Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk."

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"Boy, everyone is stupid except me."

"If he's so smart, how come he's dead?"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"

"If you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

"A woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!"

"What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway."

"Trying is just the first step toward failure."

"Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!"

"In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"

"If something's hard, then it's not worth doing."

"When you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get."

"Oh I love your magazine! My favorite section is 'How to increase your word power.' That thing is really, really, really... good."